Daddy’s “Promises”

I am so sorry it’s so cold in here my little baby. If daddy were home he’d keep us close hold us and warm us up. He has to work so that he can afford to buy fuel to warm us up. But daddy promises.

I am so sorry my little girl that it is so cold in here but daddy will be home soon but he has to work.

I am sorry my little baby but the money I had saved and money saved from daddy’s work for fuel has to go to fines and unpaid tolls. ($10,000 for unpaid toll fines) I’ll get extra blankets honey but daddy promises soon!

I am so sorry it’s so cold in here my little baby — id draw you a warm bath but the 5 gallons of fuel daddy bought at the gas station has already run out but at least daddy is at work earning more money so that we can buy more fuel. But daddy promises!

I am so sorry to you and your big sister that it is so cold in here my little baby. Daddy didn’t pay the fuel man and now they won’t deliver fuel until he does pay them. But but he is working right now making over $50 and hour so that he can pay them soon. But daddy promises!

I am sorry my little baby — and I am sorry to your big sister. We have to leave our little house and your beautiful rooms because daddy can’t pay the landlord for last months or this months rent and he still hasn’t paid the heater people. I don’t think we can afford to live her honey. I am so sorry babies— but daddy promises!

I am so sorry my little baby that I had to wake you in the middle of the night but daddy came home from work and when I asked him about the money he got very angry. We have to leave to stay safe. I am so sorry but we have to leave our little house.

I am so sorry honey that you don’t get to see daddy so much. He says he has to work so much and when he comes home he is so angry at mommy.

I am sorry sorry my little baby — you are growing so fast! I wanted to take you to see your big sister and grandmother this weekend but daddy said no. He has to stay at work to make more money. But daddy promises next week!

I’m so sorry my beautiful little girl— but daddy can’t come pick you up because his truck broke down.

I’m so sorry Ayla but we can’t go see your big sister and daddy because daddy isn’t coming home this weekend because he has to work. But daddy promises.

I’m so sorry honey but we can’t see daddy this weekend because he is riding his new motorcycle. The new motorcycle that he needs to have to “live his fucking life.” The motorcycle that was repo’d for not being paid for that put us into more debt.

I’m so sorry Ayla but daddy isn’t coming home to pick you and your sister up he needs to go fishing.

I am so sorry Ayla but daddy isn’t coming to pick you And your sister up he needs to go on vacation.

I am so sorry my beautiful little girl — daddy can’t come pick you up because his truck broke down again. But daddy promises.

I’m so sorry Ayla but daddy isn’t coming home to pick you and your sister up he needs to go on vacation again. But daddy promises!

I am so sorry Ayla but daddy isn’t coming to pick you and your sister up. He needs to go fishing. I know that I like to go fishing and to take you fishing too and I really miss your big sister too!

I’m sorry you don’t get to see daddy my little girl that you don’t get to see daddy because he’s always at work, on vacation, fishing— I’m sorry Ayla but daddy doesn’t see your big sister anymore either and your grandma needs a break she’s watching your big sister all the time now for daddy.

I’m so sorry Ayla but daddy can’t come pick you up—but I will take you to see your grandparents now. They miss you and love you even though daddy said they aren’t “our family.” Then I’ll take you to see your big sister and grandma too. But daddy promises soon!

I am so sorry Ayla but daddy is living in New York now—He says it’s to save money for tolls do that he can come and see us but he promises! The rent he is paying in New York for a bedroom is like 950 dollars— that is a lot of money — basically the same it costed for our little house — but daddy says without the tolls he’s saving money but daddy promises!

I’m so sorry Ayla that you are sick and now I am sick too — that I can hardly cope day in and day out. Trying to work take care of you with very little sleep. I’m tired but I’m trying hard. Daddy says he’ll come from work and help but daddy promises!

I’m so sorry Ayla I was going to take you out for a nice holiday dress but daddy needs the money back that he sent for you. He needs it back to umm… (to pay what he owes in his truck to fix it? Inspect it? Insure it? No. To pay the landlord the last rent that he owes? No. To make a deposit into your account? No. Because he is saving for a house for ya to move in to—he says he’s trying so hard for us to be together again. Im sorry honey but no again.) even though daddy promised.

I’m sorry Ayla I cannot believe daddy’s promises anymore.

I’ll never tell you this Ayla but I have to admit it to myself for me— that he demanded that money back to go to a bar crawl. A fucking bar crawl. In New York. He’s not fixing his truck — it’s probably going to be repossessed soon. He needed that money back for a bar crawl.

I’ll never tell you this Ayla but daddy is going to risk being arrested again— again! (How sad is that I have to use those words arrested again about your daddy) So that he can get fireworks for his buddies to go to a football game. He isn’t coming back to see you and your big sister. He is going to bar crawl and a football game. If he cared about seeing you he wouldn’t risk being arrested — where his car would be taken or he be put into jail. If that happens he wouldn’t be able to come see you. So why would he risk it for a football game?

I’m sorry honey but daddy did get a fine for driving someone else’s car to get those fireworks since his car was out of inspection— He got a hefty ticket that he has to pay but since it was his buddies car his buddy has been trying to get daddy to pay that ticket— I’m sorry honey we can’t afford the big box of pull-ups and child care this week.

I’ll never tell you this but we were freezing that winter in our beautiful little house because daddy was spending all of our money on strippers and whores time and time again.

I’ll never tell you this but daddy always got angry at mommy because I would ask him about the other women he was spending hundreds on he got angry very angry. He said that I was the problem that I was crazy — I guess I was a little — I wanted to believe his promises I really did!! I wanted to believe your daddy. I wanted our family to be together!!! I’m so sorry Ayla.

I’ll never tell you this Ayla but daddy wasn’t always up in New York working when he said he was working — he was breaking his promises the promises he made to me, to you, to Sophia.

Daddy stayed in New York because he is very selfish while he spent our money on other women — other women who found daddy online and saw he had a family and told me. Even though he promised.

I’ll never tell you this but daddy is happy living in New York because he is content — even happy to be away from me you and Sophia. He would say it’s not true— but it is.

He isn’t staying in New York to save money — he isn’t saving money he’s broke. His broke ass truck is going to be repossessed he cannot afford to pay his share of your care. He doesn’t put any of his time towards your care and now he takes the money back he sent for your care. He broke his promises. We aren’t sick this weekend but daddy is crawling through bars and going to football games he’s not coming to see you or Sophia.

But the good news is that daddy is happy. He is happy that he gets to live with the guys from work. He is happy to pay his buddy the rent for a bedroom who he says doesn’t need the money. He is happy away from us. He is happy he gets to go on vacation with his daddy. He is happy he gets to go fishing with his daddy. — which is sad because he is not with us when he is most happy.

I am really happy for daddy because he gets to spend so much time with his own daddy. That is a really nice and special thing for a father and son. I just wish that your daddy cared enough about you and your sister. And controlled his temper.

I’ll never tell you this Ayla but your mommy cannot believe your daddy anymore. Your daddy’s promises are lies that he tells himself to make himself feel better because he is failing himself you and Sophia.

I’ll never tell you these things Ayla and I’ll never tell you the rest because there is so much more…

but … someday it may be read about.

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